The Crap! Series
by Alia el Bolock
Summary: Crap! These awkward, funny moments when all you can think of is Crap! Random snippets where this is the sentiment. Mainly light and funny and mostly JS with some team snippets in between.
1. Fishing

The Crap! Series Vol. 1

Title: Fishing

Summary: Crap! They bump into each other and something is revealed. This should have stayed in the dark!

A/N: I reformatted this story, to continue the series. As said it's different ficlets with only "Crap!" in common. Please let me know you think.

Disclaimer: As we all know, I own nothing :( Wish I did, but I don't!

* * *

She was running in the corridor.

Finally she'd get to see the new handheld naquadria gun she'd had area 51 work on.

He was heading to cafeteria.

It was chocolate cake day.

He had to hurry before someone ate them all up, you can never be too sure.

Boom!

They bumped into each other.

"Whoa, there Carter watch it… You…." he was just getting started about how she was running in the middle of the SGC not looking where she was heading. He was just starting to tease her as usual, be his usual funny self.

But it was then that it caught his eyes.

She was about to defend herself: you were the one who wasn't looking where you were going, sir. You were lost in thought.

But she noticed how his eyes wandered away.

She followed where his eyes were heading, only to be assured what he was staring at.

With an embarrassed cough she sits up from the ground and subtly covers the exposed part of her back.

CRAP!, this is a mutual sentiment!

Crap, he'd seen it! Crap! He wasn't supposed to…. What will I do? run Carter

"Um sorry sir, I was just in a hurry. Gotta go."

And with that she was now sprinting towards the briefing room.

Sprinting without looking back.

Crap!

Crap, she covered it.

Why would she do that. I still hadn't got the chance to fully check it out.

I swear if she hand't gotten up, I could have probably stayed in this position forever.

I mean I always found her attractive, but come on this was plain…. hot.

I've seen her half naked before in the tank top incident.

But this compliments her body. This makes her perfect!

This gotta be new!

I love it.

I gotta see it again.

Hell, am gonna make sure I'll be seeing it again, and very soon!

Colonel Jack O'Neill had just seen Major Samantha Carter's tattoo: fishing!


	2. Cake

The Crap! Series Vol.2

Title: Cake

Summary: Crap! Something's missing from the cafeteria and someone is gonna pay the price.

A/N: I was just hungry and I'm craving anything sweet, so you get to suffer hehe… let me know what you think =D

* * *

Crap!

Oh this was going to be a bad day! A really bad day!

The second she entered the cafeteria, she knew! She just knew. Heads were gonna roll. And it wasn't gonna be pretty.

Her eyes kept on darting between the entrance of the cafeteria and the food display.

What was taking them so long? She wanted them to come to get this over with.

She hated this.

…..

Daniel came first. And all it took was one look in the direction where Sam's eyes were pointing and his face sank

"Oh boy! This is gonna be a loooong day."

"Yep!" Sam agreed.

"Indeed!" Teal'cs agreement sounded from behind.

He too had noticed. And he too was getting kind of worried.

This couldn't end well.

Crap!

…..

O'Neill entered the cafeteria with a huge grin on his face.

My favorite time of the day.

Sitting in the cafeteria. Hanging out with my team with no imminent threat looming in the shadows.

Indulging the delicacies of life.

Yep… My favorite time of the day.

He headed towards his friends to set down the papers he had in his hands before heading towards the buffet.

They were so quiet. They all watched him, their look unwavering.

What was going on with them?

He decided not to dwell. Because after all, this was his favorite time of the day and he wouldn't ruin it, over nothing!

"What's going on with you kids. You look… well you look like you've seen a ghost." he smirked.

"Uh… nothing!" Daniel replied like he always did, partly burying his head inside his lifted arm to avoid eye contact. Crap!

"Nothing… sir." Sam followed, acting as innocently as possible. Crap!

"It is nothing, O'Neill." Teal'c raised his eyebrow. Crap!

"Well then, if it's nothing… I'd like to leave you all to treat my self to a piece of…" he smiled rubbing his hands while tuning around and the last word caught in his throat as soon as his eyes set on the display "C…a….k….e."

"WHERE'S MY CAKE?" he roared so loudly that the whole mess hall almost shook. "OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! WHO. TOOK. MY. CAKE?"

The remaining three members of SG-1 just sank in their seats. Crap!

What a day!


	3. Sidearm?

The last mission before the team disassembles after season 8 and before season 9. Jack and Sam are no longer in the same chain of command, so for me the frat regs no longer apply hehe… Some icy goodness! let me know what you think.

* * *

Sidearm?

"Crap! Not again!"

"Sir?"

"Why are we always the one who seem to attract those darn icy planets. I hate the cold! Why is it Daniel and Teal'c and the rest are always the ones with hot planets."

"Sir. I was stranded on numerous hot planets myself. The only times I got stranded on icy planets is when I'm... with you."

"Oh!" he realized in disappointment.

She chuckled.

Deciding not to dwell on the fact that he's the one prone to icy planets, he focused on the more important issue at hand

"Huddle closer will ya, my ass is freezing."

She nuzzled up to him and he was hugging her from behind. Tightly.

"At least we're not in imminent danger…. Yet!" she suggested.

They heard something crack loudly and were covered by a small avalanche of ice, that was fortunately small enough to cause no damage but to increase the chill within them.

"Crap!" she apologized.

"You had to go ahead and say it!" he exclaimed in fake anger.

"Sorry." she chuckled.

And then he felt her body start to shiver, oh so slightly.

Without saying a word, he held her even closer; to keep her body and his heart warm.

"Thank you." she said between clattering teeth.

"It's my pleasure Carter."

They both remained nestled close together enjoying the combined body heat and even more the close contact with one another.

"Um… sir?" she inquired as she felt something brush against her back.

"It's… um…"

"Your sidearm?" she suggested to help him out.

"Ummm… not so much!" he replied honestly and waited to see her reaction.

He was waiting to see if she'd pull away, be filled with awkwardness, remain still, laugh… what?

She just lingered the way she was and he could feel the huge grin form on her face. And it was ever growing.

"Oh!" she tried hard not to break into laughter and muffled her chuckle.

Relieved but not quite yet, Jack allowed himself a tiny chuckle too.

"I could… turn around you know… sir…" she suggested so slowly and quietly that he wasn't even sure he'd heard right.

And he felt the heat radiating from her face almost melt the ice. And he was sure his face was doing the same.

"You could… Ca… Sam." he gladly agreed.

…

An hour later, the ice around the place where they lay, had indeed kind of melted from the ever so graceful union they'd just experienced.

As they both lay with their backs to the ice, hands still intertwined, hair being fiddled with, body parts being brushed lightly against, cheeks being caressed, Jack broke the wondrous trance they were in for a second, before they went at it again.

"Icy planets! Suddenly not so crappy anymore!" he grinned.

"Indeed!" Sam replied in a Teal'c mocking manner before they both broke into loving laughter.

Icy planets! Who knew!


	4. Midnight Passion

Thesis writing, and a trip to the nearby playground with friends did this. I am not to blame, hehe. Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think =D

* * *

Earlier…

The swing goes up. The swing comes down.

Breathing in. Breathing out.

Silence.

Calm.

Peace.

Sam is on the swing in the park. It's almost midnight and the breeze is light. The moon light is glimmering in the lake.

Serenity.

A small smile is on her face, as the chaos in her brain comes to a complete and perfect order.

Revelations.

* * *

Now…

Liquids bubbling.

Goggles set.

Scientist mode.

Ruffling. Shuffling. Concentration disturbed. Touching vulnerable technology.

Childish intruder; military superior.

Jack disturbs Sam's experiment and train of thoughts.

"Carter!"

"Sir!"

For the first time, she notices the smug smile plastered on his face.

"How are you?"

"Fine, sir. You?"

"Oh I am great, Carter. Just great." He seemed to be enjoying himself just a little too much.

"Sir?"

"Oh nothing Carter. Nothing. Carry on. I will see you at lunch."

He left the run still smirking to himself and left a baffeled Carter behind. She had no idea what this was about. But she will; soon.

* * *

Later…

"Hallo, everyone." Jack approached where his friends were sitting in the cafeteria. He sounded too euphoric for the situation.

"Someone's in a good mood." Daniel commented, clearly a bit confused by Jack's behavior.

"Oh, you have no idea." He said while addressing Sam instead of Daniel. He had the same mischievous smile on his face.

All his friends just looked at him questioningly.

"So, Carter. I went by the park yesterday. Night." He stated theatrically, allowing the sentence to fully sink in.

Carter, gulped down the bite she was chewing. Crap!

"The park? Sir?"

"Yes, the park."

Crap!

"Really?" she tried to act stupid, not that it suited her.

"Indeed." He gave a prefect Teal'c imitation.

"Ummmm…." Sam was speechless.

"Yep!" Jack stated triumphantly and left it at that.

Daniel and Teal'c felt left out of the conversation and raised questioning eyebrows at their friends.

Jack raised his arms innocently "Oh, it's not my story to tell. I mean if Carter has a secret midnight passion, who am I to discuss it in the light of day. In the cafeteria." Oh, he was mean.

All the gazes turned towards Sam, who was finding her plate particularly innocent.

"It's not what you think… I…"

"You what, Carter?"

"Sir." she glared at him.

"Oh come on. There's nothing to be ashamed of. What if you love to swing. Eyes closed. Humming to yourself. Oblivious to any bystanders for about half an hour."

"What!" Crap! He was there… the whole time… Crap!

"Yep… as I said… nothing to be ashamed of."

Daniel and Teal'c just looked non believingly not knowing how to react to that exchange. Should they laugh, act normal, berate Jack? What? So they just looked at each other and took themselves out of the line of fire.

Sam sat there for a few seconds, not knowing how to get herself out of this situation. And then, like the genius she was, the bulb lit in her mind. She has a smirk on her face now.

Jack who'd been grinning triumphantly, looked confused at the sudden change in demeanor.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Carter?"

"If you don't mind my asking… what have you been doing in the park, at such late hour."

Crap! Never mess with the brightest mind on the planet, and probably the whole star system.

"Oh, I was just taking a walk, clearing my mind… you know yada yada."

Daniel and Teal'c were now giving him their full attention.

"Really, sir?"

"Yes, Carter."

"Ok." she faked her conviction but none of them took their eyes off of him.

"It's ok to admit it you know, Jack." Daniel broke the silence.

"Admit what?"

"What you do in the park, when you can't sleep. Nothing to be ashamed of you know." Daniel held gazes with Jack.

Crap! He knows? He can't possibly. Or can he? How would he? Like I know about Carter I suppose. He couldn't have seen me. Could he?

"What are you talking about Daniel."

"You know what. The lake."

Crap! He really knows.

"So what! Nothing wrong about feeding the duck from time to time. Why let the old bread go to waste!" Jack exclaimed, clearly annoyed.

Daniel had had no idea what Jack was doing but he knew how to push his buttons and how to get him to talk. Even though Jack was a trained Air Force officer, Daniel could get him every time. Daniel knew, Jack would have been to the park for the lake. He'd have ventured fishing, swimming or even skinny dipping but never ever duck feeding; hence the burst out of laughter that Daniel was having. Sam was giggling breathlessly and even Teal'c let out a laugh. After Sam had calmed down a bit she commented very calmly and innocently "Ducks, huh?"

Crap! Never take on a scientist. Ever!

* * *

PS: I know ducks usually sleep at night, but trust me here (in Germany) there are some rogue ones, that are awake till late at night hehe.


End file.
